In mania my brain doesn't always engage before acting. My
mouth speaks without thinking. I have potty mouth mania. Sometimes I say or do insensitive
or inappropriate things. Things you might disagree with. Please get the fuck
over it.
Sure you have the right to be upset but not the right to act
like a jerk. If at any time you feel I've offended you don't worry I'm probably
been honest with you. It's not a sin to speak your mind. It's a sin to let bad
things happen to good people.
In mania you can turn people off with your wild and
disgraceful behaviour and with depression
you can push people away with your morbid outlook.
Go-getting mania can sometime come across as aggressive and
over the top. The problem is the false sense of security, of thinking I'm awesome
and fucking invincible.
Sure I have a drop of class, etiquette and energy which used
to be able to charm the ladies. Who doesn't want to have some fun?
However you're probably aware that mania isn't all glamour
and shagging beautiful women. It has the other side of the coin too. The
comedown. The depression side and hidden part of bipolar.
None of this is my fault. Sometimes I can't fend off my
thoughts and feelings and they overwhelm me. This has been happening for most
of my life. I wish I could sue myself for emotional damage. One third of me
would be loaded.
I say one third because like my Twitter avatar bipolar is
actually divided into three states. The prefix "bi" is Latin meaning
two/double. The two mood states are mania and depression, but there is also a
third state in the middle. The state of being perfect fine and stable.
Bipolar sufferers aren't always in a constant changing flux
of moods. Sure we have our wild highs, deep lows and dashed hopes but mainly
the our lives stay in between the middle zone. For science sake let's call that
"the normal zone". We are usually very sane and sensible in this zone. Our
doctors like us there. We want to remain there but it doesn't always work out
like that.
Sometimes we get angry or upset like other humans. Are minds
race, passions fire up or our pain knocks us down. Our minds and moods seem to
switch and change like an identity crisis. We can't find that balance or
medication to bring us back to the middle. We become lost souls in a game of
emotional ping-pong.
These are the contrasting situations of two worlds and
emotional environments in our minds. We are broken into three. Most of the time
we are in the natural normal zone, however our bi-states can crash either side.
While my emotions can sweep in all directions my mental illness doesn't and
hasn't always dominated my life.
You can judge and stereotype away with your narrow mind.
Again none of this is our fault. We are born this way but it doesn't make us mutants.
The really the villain here is the stigma and lack of education about mental
illness. The stigma keeps us out of the good zone. It makes us feel worse about
ourselves.
Our moods are already disjointed. I don't intentional what
to upset you or you to think ill of me. It's true that I'm ill, but not all the
time. Although you can feel great one day and the complete opposite the next there
are often wide gaps between mania and depressive episodes.
The changes can seem extreme and volatile but we still care
in-between what may look wild and random behaviour. I always try and be nice to
people but not so nice to myself.
You may not like or agree with what I say or do. It's
possible you have very different views than me. Some readers may find them
offensive or take things the wrong way. I'm not in the habit of purposefully
offending or upsetting people.
Sometimes I speak my mind avoiding any conscience or polite
political correctness. The best way of explaining what I feel and think it is
with my thoughts and ideas. They may be controversial or weird to you. Political
correctness is mad because it stops free speech and expression.
I've been a radical extremist since I learned to walk and
talk. Sometimes it's rare I stop to think or worry about the consequences of my
actions. I push the envelope to the outer edges of my beliefs. I bet you do the
same about things you are passionate about.
The word "Extremism" has been hijacked for use in
the media for religious, political terrorism and forcing your views onto others
- I'd never do that. Are you a radical extremist too? I'm an extremist when it
comes to finding my next meal or protecting the environment.
If you get upset please leave. Don't demonise me for having
an opinion or mental health issues.
Blogging and social media provide us with a voice but also a
platform for trolling and offensive behaviour. I understand that words can hurt
but it is stick and stones that break our bones. The line is crossed when harmless
mocking turns to harassment with evil intent to people who don't deserve it.
I'm not a mean person. I don't like upsetting people if they
don't deserve it, I do still have a shred of humanity left. This is my place to
vent and explain. To purge the negativity. In the meantime I'll try and show
some restraint. I have this disease through no fault of my own.
I think at times we all fall into the three degrees. I admit
I'm no saint. I've made mistakes, done some bad and shameful things. I know
guilt and regret. I become angry at hate speech, discrimination and injustice.
I do have some moral fibre for a fruitcake.
