Depression Makes Me Sick, I'm Sick of It

I've not been feeling very well lately. I feel powerless and pathetic like a bout of man flue. On top of this, shaking this low is taking it's time to clear. I blame everyone. Mostly me.

I wish my mind reacted differently to situations and feelings. Depression is my evil twin, mania my wild out of control energy bank. I'm not saying anything new when I tell you living with depression is a tough.

Anyone who's ever suffered from it knows this all too well. How it plots against you and takes over your heart. Everything is wrong and so difficult. The lack of energy, swirling thoughts, sleep problems, anxiety, the hopelessness are all part of the sickness. If you believe depression is easy or a weakness then I challenge you to a good old fashioned duel.

I hate feeling this way. How long will it last? I don't feel like a nice person and the anger is brewing. I've just being staying in feeling deserted. Life stinks. Even porn does nothing for me.

I can't hang myself because who would write this blog for me? I need invigorating somehow. To get it out of my system so I can be on my merry way.

Not Interesting

Sorry I haven't blogged anything interesting lately. I also apologise that I've not tweeted for a while. After work I feel wiped out and just want to drink, eat and go to sleep. Life is miserable and a circle of routine until my retirement or death.

Lately everything is hard work. The days are gruellingly long. Getting up for work is chore. I always seem to feel tried, and barely able to keep my eyes open no matter how much I sleep.

I don't have anything interesting to publish today. I've tried doing some poetry but don't feel confident enough to post it on here. Writing something is better than watching TV, tweeting or drinking into oblivion.

Feeling this way makes me angry. Luckily I'm not freaking out enough to be put in a hospital again.

I wish some mania would return. At least I'd have higher energy levels and a positive "can do" attitude. In depression easy things are tricky to perform. Depression gives you a "to do list" that never gets done. Like the washing up if you can be bother to cook and feel like eating anything.

When you're depressed it is hard to get interested in anything exciting or things you enjoy. And when you do it's usually bad for you in the form of self medication with booze and drugs.

I know this post is empty. It's another waste of words. You've no doubt lost interest at this point and found something better to do.

If I'm good at anything recently it's slacking. I think this blog needs a revamp and a makeover. Some content that will benefit readers, offer advice for people with mental health issues and raise awareness.

I have some unfinished articles and advice that I should complete and publish on here. I always have too much on my mind. Several beers would be great but I know they won't help.

I understand your attention spans are short so I've put together my long articles on the left. Providing I make it through this week alive I promise I'll get round to it and make reading this thing more worthwhile.

A Rubbish Blog Post

I have no doubt this will be my worst ever blog post. It shouldn't count as a post, more of a tweet but I think I've gone over the character limit. I must stop writing this painful rubbish.

Personally I'd prefer you visited my site then clicked an ad but your more likely to close the browser in disgust. You deserve better. I should close this blog down in disgrace. Please don't count this as a blog post. I must try harder on my writing content, blogging skills and get my head together.

SAD BLOG

My old Twitter followers and ex-readers were probably very sad to hear I'd started up my blog again. With the kids moved out I have no companionship other than beer and Twitter.

Drinking home alone is never a good sign. Don't worry drinking isn't binge drinking or a regular occurrence, it makes me feel like shit but a few pints help me relax and sleep better.

I figure I may need some help and input with it. The blog that is not the beer. It's been a while since I drank or blogged anything. I'm trying to get back into blogging to stop the boredom and loneliness eating away at me.

Tech confuses and frustrates me. This blog is a mess but it's my mess. I am not sure how I thought this was going to make things better. The writing just isn't happening. I'm at 59% of my life and death is slowly approaching. It is fair to say I haven't accomplished much apart from a roof over my head, a great marriage and our two wonderful kids, Luke and Lucy. X

You can see the years heavily imprinted on my face and other body parts. The battle wounds of life, mental illness and grief splattered on my heart. It triggers another bout of depression.

Today feels like a failure. My energy levels are down. Socially I can just about manage going to work for something to do. It serves a distraction as well as an income.

I have nothing to do right now. Sitting around and drinking is never good unless you have some company. I could always go for a walk in the rain and wash off my blues. Sadly life is not that simple and the rain can't wash away grief.

It's a sad blog. I know the from experience that feeling will go away. Hopefully the next post will have some direction, be more interesting and less depressing.

The First Post is the Deepest

I've been out of the Internet public eye. I haven't blogged or tweeted since 2021. I didn't have anything to say. I was in too much pain. Functioning has been incredibly difficult.

Over the last few years I've been struggling to make sense of my life and figure out what I should be doing with it. I've been lost, and in many ways I still am.

I don't want my thoughts and feelings to destroy me. I am strong. There was a time when I was happy now I just let the tears fall. It cuts too deep.

NHS Cuts to Mental Health Services

It took many years before I finally had a diagnose for my moods swings and how my bipolar brain worked, or didn't work. These days is can take many months to get a consultant appointment and see a mental health specialist.

The problem is you can't wait for help, therapy or treatment of the mind because in many cases it can be too late because you're already dead. I have my own worrying stories to tell about attempted suicide.

All the long waiting lists of people needing mental health help isn't acceptable. Mental illness is a pressing issue for our NHS and it's about time the government funded it fully to support people in crisis. Many people need to be hospitalised and cared for straightaway.

Life threatening mental health conditions need intervention and resources immediately. For the suffer it can feel like no one cares and you're a burden to everybody and everything. Waiting for a therapy session or counselling maybe too late and any medication can take a few weeks to have a full effect.

Please remember that people take medications for all sorts of illnesses, and there is no reason to feel ashamed in taking them to improve your mood. It's important you take your medication as prescribed without missing dosages and inform your GP about how they are making you feel. Different medications have different effect on people so they need to be changed until the right medication works for you.

Experiences with NHS mental health services vary greatly for region to region. Therapy and counselling combined with medication often provides the best long term results. However the service can be lacking as mental health services are underfund and appointment can be cancelled.

The waiting lists for therapy are only getting longer due to NHS cuts and the increased cases of mental health issue people are experiencing. A three month wait or longer is too long for a consultation, especially if you don't have a complete diagnosis and you are passed around from department to department.

Referrals and appointments are taking too long for patients to be seen. Many NHS doctors and nurses are saddened that they can't do more. People can't wait for help to come and can't afford private therapists or psychologist to receive faster treatment and support.

Even if you are admitted quickly the aftercare facilities and support can be lacking in response times for many disorders. To save a life time is critical and there is no doubt that experiences and the level of mental health resources vary across the UK but the main issue is long waiting times.

This is leaving thousands of people without the help they require when they need it. While they are techniques to try and cope, such as depression tips and mania tips self help and self care doesn't always work and people need to see specialists for other mental health issues such as eating disorders and addiction.

The same thing doesn't work for everyone so procedures and approaches need to be tailored to the individual and circumstances. Feeling left in limbo and just waiting and waiting never helps sufferers and meditation can turn you into a zombie where you just feel emotional empty.

Everyday thousands of people are suffering from mental illness without the aid and care they need . The bottom line is that there simply aren't enough treatment spaces available for all the mental health problems. When someone is feeling suicidal the appointment may come too late.

The government talk and sound bites need to end and real action taken by increasing NHS funding. The government needs to make provisions for a quality end to end mental health service.

Sadly Blue Monday is not Depression

Blue Monday seems a good enough day to raise awareness of depression and mental health as any other day. Symbolically January’s Blue Monday is supposed to be the most depressing day of the year. Let’s face it who wants to return back to work after the Christmas enjoyment of eating, drinking, watching the TV entertainment and playing with the children's toys and games.

It’s claimed that Blue Monday is the most depressing and low point of the year for people. Personally any Monday that I had to attend work was a low point in my life. Not because I was feeling depressed, it’s because the weekend was ending and I couldn't spend time with the wife and kids.

Facing another week of work is SAD for most people. Why single out poor Blue Monday? Why can’t Tuesday be just as crappy, or Saturday just as dull if you’re a weekend worker?

In January life can seem so cruel, what with the awful weather, the cold, the snow, the dark morning and nights.  On top of this Blue Monday is a return back to work after Christmas which may seem a come down for many - but that’s not depression.

Blue Monday was invented by companies and PR firms to be spun and used for their marketing campaigns to help sell and promote things after the Christmas period. A way to sucker people into thinking they should be feeling low and the solution to cheering yourself up is to buy something.

In the northern hemisphere the weather and light conditions is just routine nature nothing to do with the day of the week. Depression and low mood bipolar episodes don’t last 24 hours and fizzle out once you buy a holiday or blow some cash in the January sales.

For me it demeans the sufferers of depression and is used as an excuse to sell holidays and boost New Year Sales. Could it be we feel run down and guilt for the over indulging and over spending during the festive period? The buzz tells us to spend more, to treat ourselves as a quick fix to feeling better in the dark months.

We can all get addicted to spending. Money turns evil when it traps you. All addiction is bad when it takes over your mind. The reason we do it is because it offers hope for an escape. Problem debt builds up when we believe we are getting a bargain.

Buying with debt is never a cheap bargain. Bad debt is a nasty rut to be in. Like overeating, overspending is not healthy. It's like eating chips butties, deep fried Mars bars then wondering why your Weight Watchers programs not working.

Just because something on special offer or reduced doesn't mean we have to buy. When you want something do you need it? Can you afford it? Is your money going into things that don't bring you any satisfaction?

At least with substance abuse you get a high until it become far too expensive.

My point is you don't have to rely on drugs or buying pointless stuff to give you a boost. If that was the case I couldn't afford anything. I wasn't always responsible with my money. I have Jen to thank for sorting the money out. I would give it all away to live and party.

A day is what you make of it. So until the next Blue Monday keep smiling and keep your money in your pocket.

You don't look depressed

Mania is funky and fashionable whereas depression doesn't have a "look" or any dress sense. You barely not have the energy to put clothes on. A depressed soul doesn't float around wearing a black robe looking like the grim reaper. I'm not death, although it plays on the mind.

They don't come across as depressed or want you to know how lonely and anxious they feel on the inside. The depressed show a "shop front of strength", we don't come across as on the edge or unable to face life.

People don't always notice because we hide it so well. Even those closest to you miss the signs and symptoms or maybe they think you are just having a bad day or in a quiet mood.

You pretend there's nothing wrong. In reality you're off lost in your thoughts and feelings. Telling them is extra burden, more anxiety. You don't want any fuss or to make them worry too.

Maybe you feel like it's not bad enough or you don't deserve to get help. You don't want to cause a health scare. You'll feel silly going to the doctors.

You cry alone and behind closed doors.

You start feeling constantly tired and run down yet you can't rest or get a good night's sleep because your mind can't forget and you can't switch the feelings off.

You lack motivation for practically everything. Before long you can't fit in and don't want to attend any at social events. You feel alone and worthless. You think you are weak.

You keep the upset and pain a secret. Then a sense of guilt and shame kicks in which you beat yourself up about.

The stress is building and your nerves are on fire and you don't wear a t-shirt or have a tattoo on your forehead that says "I'm feeling depressed".

Don't let it get worse.

It takes bravery to admit to family and friends how you feel. To tell them your dark thoughts and how scary your world is.

Keeping it quiet and avoiding the issue will only lets your depression build up and get worse. You aren't mad. You can ask for help, people will listen and understand.

Hiding mental illness and not getting treatment can escalate and lead to other dark paths like addiction, broken relationships, self harm and suicide.

Depression is full of fake smiles and broken dreams. But there will come a time when its stress breaks and overwhelms you and you'll fall apart.

You don't have to feel ashamed. If you're struggling let someone know you're depressed so you can stop cheating yourself and talk about it. Silence is not golden.

Our NHS

I want to offer high praise for the brilliant work and challenges that the NHS faces every day. I would gladly pay more tax to help fund our beloved NHS knowing that when others or me needed access to health care it would be provided.

The NHS is currently and always under pressure. A rise in income would help fund the NHS. The problem is are current tax isn't spent on the right things. It's not spent on healthcare or education it's spent on weapons that we hope never get used.

NHS targets fail because they are overwhelmed by patients who need medical help. Nursing staff and doctors went into healthcare to help people. The service the NHS provides will deteriorate if it's not funded and staffed correctly. This is especially true for mental health services.

It's hard to improve standards and spot the mentally vulnerability against all the cutbacks and slashing of public spending in mental health services and social care.

All GP's can do is listen and refer. Unfortunately without access to rapid help people suffering from mental illness can demise quickly. People with depression or in the middle of a breakdown can't wait a few months on a waiting list for counselling therapy and treatment.

That delay can swallow people up with are struggling in desperation and misery when they need relief and professional diagnosis. There can't be replaced if they commit suicide while on a waiting list.

The NHS needs to offer justice for those that need medical care for mental health problems. Currently I think the government is letting patients down. No matter what the illness or accident that befalls us all the NHS should have the resources to cope, day or night. And in the darkness of night is when we need it the most.

Broken into Three

In mania my brain doesn't always engage before acting. My mouth speaks without thinking. I have potty mouth mania. Sometimes I say or do insensitive or inappropriate things. Things you might disagree with. Please get the fuck over it.

Sure you have the right to be upset but not the right to act like a jerk. If at any time you feel I've offended you don't worry I'm probably been honest with you. It's not a sin to speak your mind. It's a sin to let bad things happen to good people.

In mania you can turn people off with your wild and disgraceful behaviour and with  depression you can push people away with your morbid outlook.

Go-getting mania can sometime come across as aggressive and over the top. The problem is the false sense of security, of thinking I'm awesome and fucking invincible.

Sure I have a drop of class, etiquette and energy which used to be able to charm the ladies. Who doesn't want to have some fun?

However you're probably aware that mania isn't all glamour and shagging beautiful women. It has the other side of the coin too. The comedown. The depression side and hidden part of bipolar.

None of this is my fault. Sometimes I can't fend off my thoughts and feelings and they overwhelm me. This has been happening for most of my life. I wish I could sue myself for emotional damage. One third of me would be loaded.

I say one third because like my Twitter avatar bipolar is actually divided into three states. The prefix "bi" is Latin meaning two/double. The two mood states are mania and depression, but there is also a third state in the middle. The state of being perfect fine and stable.

Bipolar sufferers aren't always in a constant changing flux of moods. Sure we have our wild highs, deep lows and dashed hopes but mainly the our lives stay in between the middle zone. For science sake let's call that "the normal zone". We are usually very sane and sensible in this zone. Our doctors like us there. We want to remain there but it doesn't always work out like that.

Sometimes we get angry or upset like other humans. Are minds race, passions fire up or our pain knocks us down. Our minds and moods seem to switch and change like an identity crisis. We can't find that balance or medication to bring us back to the middle. We become lost souls in a game of emotional ping-pong.

These are the contrasting situations of two worlds and emotional environments in our minds. We are broken into three. Most of the time we are in the natural normal zone, however our bi-states can crash either side. While my emotions can sweep in all directions my mental illness doesn't and hasn't always dominated my life.

You can judge and stereotype away with your narrow mind. Again none of this is our fault. We are born this way but it doesn't make us mutants. The really the villain here is the stigma and lack of education about mental illness. The stigma keeps us out of the good zone. It makes us feel worse about ourselves.

Our moods are already disjointed. I don't intentional what to upset you or you to think ill of me. It's true that I'm ill, but not all the time. Although you can feel great one day and the complete opposite the next there are often wide gaps between mania and depressive episodes.

The changes can seem extreme and volatile but we still care in-between what may look wild and random behaviour. I always try and be nice to people but not so nice to myself.

You may not like or agree with what I say or do. It's possible you have very different views than me. Some readers may find them offensive or take things the wrong way. I'm not in the habit of purposefully offending or upsetting people.

Sometimes I speak my mind avoiding any conscience or polite political correctness. The best way of explaining what I feel and think it is with my thoughts and ideas. They may be controversial or weird to you. Political correctness is mad because it stops free speech and expression.

I've been a radical extremist since I learned to walk and talk. Sometimes it's rare I stop to think or worry about the consequences of my actions. I push the envelope to the outer edges of my beliefs. I bet you do the same about things you are passionate about.

The word "Extremism" has been hijacked for use in the media for religious, political terrorism and forcing your views onto others - I'd never do that. Are you a radical extremist too? I'm an extremist when it comes to finding my next meal or protecting the environment.

If you get upset please leave. Don't demonise me for having an opinion or mental health issues.

Blogging and social media provide us with a voice but also a platform for trolling and offensive behaviour. I understand that words can hurt but it is stick and stones that break our bones. The line is crossed when harmless mocking turns to harassment with evil intent to people who don't deserve it.

I'm not a mean person. I don't like upsetting people if they don't deserve it, I do still have a shred of humanity left. This is my place to vent and explain. To purge the negativity. In the meantime I'll try and show some restraint. I have this disease through no fault of my own.

I think at times we all fall into the three degrees. I admit I'm no saint. I've made mistakes, done some bad and shameful things. I know guilt and regret. I become angry at hate speech, discrimination and injustice. I do have some moral fibre for a fruitcake.